Most
of us fear death, and we all believe that we will live forever. But death
will enter our lives, to be sure. Whether it is a family member, a friend,
or even our own death … it will come. As a trauma chaplain in a top level
one trauma center, it was routine to encounter dying and death
circumstances, and there are some things that can be learned in order to be
able to live with dying, death and the grief that follows.
When someone we know is
dying or dies, there is a grieving process that begins, and regardless of
how emotional or emotionless we are, recovery is a slow and painful course.
But there is good news. This grieving process can be less painful if you
try to understand that loss and grief are a natural part of living.
Learning to accept our losses and believing in ourselves is critical.
Believe that you can cope with tragic occurrences, and let your experience
be a growth process that will assist you in dealing with future stressful
events. The grieving process takes an average of about 24 months … some
will experience less time, others more. Simply be aware.
The grieving process consists of a number of stages. Note that not everyone
goes through all these stages, and be mindful that the process is not
linear; one does not “complete” one stage and then move on to “another”
stage. These elements will come in waves and will overlap each other, and
typically their intensity will lessen over time. The following are the
characteristic stages of grief:
§ Denial
and Shock
At first, it may be difficult for you to accept your own dying, or the death
of a loved one or friend. As a result you will deny the reality of death.
Yet, this denial will gradually diminish as you begin to express and share
your feelings about death and dying with other family members or friends.
§ Anger
During this stage the most common question asked is "why me?" You are angry
at what you perceive to be the unfairness of death, and you may project and
displace your anger onto others. When given some social support and respect,
you will eventually become less angry and able to move forward into the next
stage of grieving.
§ Bargaining
Many people try to bargain with God or their personal expression of deity.
They most likely try to bargain and offer to give up an enjoyable part of
their lives in exchange for the return of health or the lost person.
§
Guilt
You may find yourself feeling guilty for things you did or did not do prior
to the loss. Forgive yourself. Accept your humanness. All of us regret not
telling someone that we care.
§
Depression
You may at first experience a sense of great loss. Mood fluctuations and
feelings of isolation and withdrawal may follow. It will take time for you,
the grieving person, to gradually return to your old self and become
socially engaged in life again. Please note that encouragement and
reassurance to the bereaved person will not be helpful in this stage.
§
Loneliness
As you go through changes in your social life because of the loss, you may
feel lonely and afraid. The more you are able to reach out to others and
make new friends, the more this feeling lessens.
§
Acceptance and Hope
Acceptance does not mean happiness. Instead, it simply means you accept and
deal with the reality of the situation. Finally, you will reach a point
where remembering will be less painful and you can begin to look ahead with
hope to the future and better times. Another way to describe this stage is
adjustment. Never let anyone advise you that there will be closure.
Closure never happens … we simply adjust.
Here are some thoughts you can ponder regarding ways you can
cope with dying and death. First, be open to discussing with trusted
others, feelings such as loneliness, anger, and sadness, in an honest way.
Second, never let hope be too far away. Third, if your faith convictions are
important, speak in confidence with a member of the clergy. Fourth, seek
out a support group. Fifth, take good care of yourself by eating well,
drinking appropriate fluids, and getting plenty of rest. Sixth, be patient
with yourself … it takes time to heal, and some days are better than others
are.
Lastly, some final thoughts on how your might be helpful to
a grieving person. First, be supportive, but don’t attempt to give
encouragement and reassurance when a person is in the depressed stage of
grieving. It will not be helpful. Second, talk openly and honestly about
the situation unless the person does not want to. Third, be mindful of your
conversational tone of voice. A soft, caring voice can be very helpful for
the individual. Fourth, show that you care. Listen attentively and show
interest in what the grieving person has to say about their feelings and
beliefs. Share your feelings and talk about any similar experience you may
have had, but avoid using the phrase, “I know just how you feel.” You
don’t.
A word of caution: If symptoms of depression are very severe
or persistent, and the grieving person is not coping with day to day
activities, encourage them to get professional help.
Chaplain
Ralph Lohman
Director, Sacred Service of Oregon, LLC
Sherwood, Oregon
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